i'm currently in a state of emotional paradox.  to be honest, i don't know if that's even the right term to use describing how i have been feeling the past couple of weeks.  the feeling where i would normally be what i feel to be at that particular moment (i.e., sad, happy, angry, excited, scared), all suddenly being channeled to one central feeling:  numbness.  i don't know if it has something to do with the vast amount of work i've been doing lately, but if it was, it can be easily attributed to stress.  but it isn't.  i have done several other things outside of work and some personal events came across my way and it all felt the same.  it's like being on auto-pilot, where everything lately has been routine (even weekends) and i don't feel anything.  i just go about my day and that's it.  though of course, i still continue to interact normally with the people around me.  i guess that's the part where being a gemini comes into play (thankfully).  i could easily use one part of me to hide the other.  unfortunately, i still have to take time to get a grip into things or events that would normally elicit an emotional feeling at that exact moment over a period of time.  but, more often than not, it still leads to numbness even after coming to terms with those, primarily maybe due to the time i spent pondering about them that they have already lost it's sense to me.

i guess that's mainly what's been keeping me off from writing.  it's like my emotional system suddenly shut down.  proof of this is that i recently have escalating feelings for someone new, an old friend coming home, a four-day weekend at the end of the month, and my mom just got her visa renewed for 10 years.  all of which should make me excited and happy, right?  but i don't feel anything out of the ordinary.  yes, i like this new woman, but it doesn't make me do something more for her; a friend who i haven't seen in years and looking forward to talking to again doesn't lift my spirits up; and the four-day weekend is just another extended weekend.  the only thing that i think (hope) that would change things is when september arrives which marks the start of the christmas season here in the philippines.  in a way, i think my emotional system needs to shut down and reboot.  it has taken all that it could take and could use a fresh, new start.  vacation?  i guess that could help, but i'd rather have this run it's course than force the issue.

i know what i just wrote doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's exactly the point why i haven't been writing as of late.  it's either i temporarily lost my passion for writing, or i just stopped writing due to myself not making a lot of sense stemming from what i have been feeling… or maybe both.  i dunno… oh well, i just hope i get my wits back… soon…