it's just one of those days when i fall into that self-reflection again.  i guess if i was out, i won't be feeling this way.  the thing is, i didn't have plans to go out with anyone tonight.  so, here i am, stuck at home on a friday night.  i did go out earlier though, to the gym then back home.  i dug up my old poem files and saw this appropriate poem for me to post.  bear with me today, for by tomorrow, this may be all gone and i'm back to my old usual self.

Loneliness

by markie – written at 3:25am, 7/28/1998

Loneliness has become a big part of me
catching me almost everyday
in my waking hours, at work,
during meal times, and even before sleep.

Though I manage through these times
there is an even greater, more saddening feeling
that makes you all the while lonely
yet, utterly frustrating.

It involves a friend or two,
who when you make yourself being there for them
and care the world for them,
turns their back upon having their happiness.

It is when someone whom you care for
trust, be proud of, and speak the world of
but when asked for a bit of warmth through times of loneliness
disappear like dust blown away.

Why is it that when you give your all,
nothing is returned?
Why is it when you care,
you are left empty-handed?

I've seen people gain their happiness
all because of what i did.
Yes I felt happy for them
and let the pain go to me.

Though I don't expect anything in return,
and gratitude would be fine for me,
just by being there when I need them
is a good enough feeling.

But in times of happiness that we live in the moment,
feeling the triumph and exhileration of what we gained.
As we smile and laugh, we easily forget
the person who helped most in getting what you wanted.

Maybe I was born to be this way,
on a one-way help street
being someone special,
and nothing left for me.

And as I wander through these times of lonliness,
I say to myself that "it's okay, i'm used to it,"
for there is no one to be there to console me,
than that person whom others he has helped.