a couple of weeks ago, i posted an entry regarding whether or not to pursue my dream of becoming a radio disc jockey by auditioning in season three of rx 93.1's radio idol. after going over the thought, i decided not to push for it, thus retiring that particular dream. given the current career that i have, not to mention the schedule, i felt that i will be having a difficult time (if ever) balancing work with the idea of chasing a dream. though it is with a heavy heart that i decided to forego one of the things i most wanted to do, i look at it in two ways: one, that the timing of the audition is not one that would, let's say, play a major role in influencing me to start rehearsing my once mastered on-air lines and brave through the hundreds of would-be applicants in the audition line; and two, not enduring the self-absorption of pity that i would give myself should i not make it even past the initial stage, and not having the "see-i-told-you-so,-you-should'nt-have-wasted-your-time-going-through-all-that-when-in-the-three-times-(okay,-four)-that-you-tried,-nothing-happened,-so-what-does-that-tell-you?" thought running through my head everyday for the next three weeks after the no-call by the radio station. yet i'm not entirely that sad in letting go of a dream. i did try several times in the past, so i guess that's enough. a heartfelt gesture of gratitude goes to -a- for reminding me through the tagboard about the audition. and coming from someone who has actually been there made it even more heartwarming in the sense that that person knew that i wanted to work in radio and encouraged me to try. again, thank you. no amount of what if's would make me regret my decision. to whoever it is that would make it, best of luck to you. with that, this officially ends my quest of becoming a radio jock. all my music playing from now on will be relegated in the confines of my room, the PC, and the car. well, unless a top official from a radio station (one that i listen to or am comfortable with their format) personally calls me up and offers me the job directly, then that would automatically make me think. but that happening would be a case of wishful thinking now, wouldn't it?

it's now 77 days until christmas. my favorite time of the year. though it is one big irony that yes, it is my favorite time of the year, and yes, it is the only time of the year where i'm at my most happiest, yet it's also the time when i feel the loneliest. yeah, i know it's mushy and corny, but that's how it is. but don't get me wrong, i AM happy during the yuletide season, it's just not for myself. this is where i spend money on gifts for family, friends, colleagues, godchildren, of which i think half should've gone to my significant other. that is, IF i have one. a year after my ex and i broke up, my christmas wish then was for someone new. and i wished that every christmas for the next five years. and since then, i stopped wishing for reasons that were fairly obvious–nothing was coming out of the wish i was making. so then i started wishing that women who i have fallen for have the happiness that they want, even if they hurt me in the end. i don't know what made me make that wish, but since then, i never stopped having that wish. in fact, that wish transcended into a prayer i made whenever i receive communion during sunday mass. though i'm not that religious, i still believe in divine intervention. with that, i would like to share this prayer to everyone for reasons that are my own. here goes:

dear Lord, i receive this communion of Your body not for my sake, for i am not worthy, being a sinner. but may the graces and blessings of this Holy bread i receive go to the women who have touched my heart and whom i loved wholeheartedly, (say name(s) here). grant them the happiness that they want and deserve, the peace of mind they long for, the love that they need, and the health that they cherish. send Your Holy Spirit to bless them and guide them in the decisions that they do, send my own guardian angel for their protection in times of danger and adversity, and let no harm come to them, for their sadness would also be my own. look upon them with love and forgive them for their sins. keep them safe Lord as you have always done for them, Amen.

i have been saying this prayer every time i hear mass for close to five years now and will continue to do so. i guess women continue to come into my life and then leave me so that i may pray for them. but kidding aside, i have never heard of any unfortunate incident with the women who i pray for, so i guess it's working. back to christmas, i'm guessing that it'll be the same this year. the only good thing about it i guess will be my budget will be a bit bigger that last year's. so that either means more gifts to buy or more expensive ones. it's the start of the christmas season (well, at least for me)! time for me to be happy again. =)