a day and 30 years ago, i came into this world. being the first of three children, i had a lot going for me. i was to be the patriarch of carrying on the family legacy into the 21st century. yet here i am, 30 years and a day since that fateful monday morning, still with an uncertain future, and with a lovelife that echoes like a graveyard on christmas day. i could just imagine fate laughing his socks off as i stumble through life, like a blindfolded dumbass kid trying to pin the freaking tail on the stupid donkey.

strangely though, i still find this kinda amusing. amusing to the point that those low points i have experienced are the ones cheering me up because those were the times i was real. that i was true to myself. those times that i shed tears for someone, that i sacrificed my whole heart and soul for women who i thought were the one; for continuing to hold on despite the clear sign of rejection flashed at my face like headlights speeding through a stunned deer at a highway on midnight; for turning the other cheek, having a deaf ear and a blind eye to times of being taken advantaged of because of my “understanding” and left for nothing like used oil on a garage. yeah, those were the days. yet i’d rather go back to those times than to celebrate something that is or was made something out of the heck of trying to cheer myself up or covering up what i really feel inside. as i always said to myself and to friends who continue to complain about being hurt or things just don’t go their way–it’s all about acceptance. that and lowered expectations. that’s the way life is, and that’s the way life will go. you just have to live with it, breathe with it, roll with it, f**k with it, and die with it because all your whining and complaining ain’t gonna change anything. life isn’t fair, as they say. but whoever said that it is?

i’m 30. i hate to admit it, but i am. i feel lonely. i feel desparate. i feel used. and yet, with the way things are going, everything’s just hunky-dory and going the way they’re supposed to be.

i’m getting old…