i guess most, if not all of you, have experienced the feeling of standing on the edge of something you cannot escape from; wherein all you have to do is face it and/or ride it out and hope that somehow you come out of that thing (whatever it is) still breathing, if not barely conscious. it may not necessarily be physical in nature, but, more often than not, those "emotional rollercoasters" almost always leave you in shambles; in bits and pieces in which you yourself won't recognize. and even if you do get out of it alive, you won't be the same person anymore, scarred for life in which the mere mention of that event brings you back to where it all happened again.

i have referenced this before on a previous entry (i'm guessing sometime early last year if i'm not mistaken) wherein if one survives an ordeal as grave as how the results would leave you lying, then that person would be compared to a broken vase that would somehow be put and glued back together. it won't be as strong as it once was and a mere nudge will guarantee renewed breakage, create additional pieces and entail more difficulty putting it back together. imagine a person who goes through several of those events and how he/she is now. an average person would have "nervous breakdown" written all over.

i have survived many a great deal of these "personal storms" that have come my way, whether it directly involved me or i unconsciously happened to be on the path of one at the wrong place and at the wrong time (read: like a deer crossing the road at the middle of the night, caught at the onset of a speeding pair of headlights). and though the saying "what won't kill you makes you stronger" holds to be true for most people, i have to admit, i'm not the same person i was a decade ago. the series of personal and emotional challenges i have been through were supposed to make me a better person. i have come out of them time and again bruised, battered, a bloddy mess, barely standing on my own two feet and on the verge of hearing the flatline sound. yes, it didn't quite kill me and i have learned a lot of things from them, but ironically, the "makes you stronger" part only lasted after the first few episodes. the recent wave of personal setbacks (the latest being before christmas this past year) left me questioning if i should continue treading through the murky and uncertain waters on the way to personal happiness (read: lovelife) or toss the anchor, throw in the towel, raise the white flag, turn off the searchlights, stop attempts at CPR, disconnect from the life-support system and pronounce my lovelife as dead. D-E-D, dead (strangely how i still find humor in all of this).

i thought i finally did that last year. but apparently, through sheer luck (i personally prefer calling it outright stupidity), something brought it back to life. or rather, someone did. and quite ironically, the wave of events that transpired after meeting that person is coming full circle in a couple of weeks, and i'm bracing for the nostalgia and missing the feeling i had during that time. and even though i try hard not to think of it, whenever i wake up, i'm always reminded of it like a shadow that follows me wherever i go. to add further insult to an already aggravated injury, this month was the time my last real relationship ended exactly 10 years ago! single for 10 years….i cringe at the mere thought of it.

i guess that's where two popular words, "fate" and "destiny" come in. no matter how hard i try, no matter how i learn from my previous mistakes, no matter how different my approaches are (i'm beginning to sound like a boyzone song), if it's not meant to be, then it isn't. whoever i take fancy to. and that feeling has already sunk in if i'll be looking at my history. i guess gone were the days when intentions meant for someone are pure and nothing else (worse, pure intentions for someone else are interpreted as malicious), that the basis for finding someone is based on not how simple one is, but how well-off or prominent that person is; and that promises are now made to be really broken. anybody care to disagree with me on that?

"i'm born to be single and to help others realize their happiness with someone meant for them," is what's constantly on my mind these days. and why not? i'm doing a helluva good job at that. i guess that is the path that has been laid for me. in the few times that i may fancy someone new, the mere thing i'm after is the feeling that i can still like someone, but not pursue any real relationship anymore since it'll end up the same as before. it kinda reminds me that i'm in fact still human (at least in some form) by the simplest standards. and in ending this "pre-valentine" entry, i would like to quote a line from a song which i'm constantly playing nowadays. the line clearly reflects what has been the fact in my pursuit of a relationship:

"…there must be an angel with a smile on her face when she thought that i should be with you.
but it's time to face the truth, i will never be with you."

the next couple of months will be rough. i guess i have no choice but to ride it out somehow. i know i'll survive it (again), but in the event that i don't, well, that won't be a bad way to go either.