i haven't written freehand poetry in a while. in fact, i haven't written one since college, i think. just like my "slammed" entry about two weeks ago, today is just one of those days that, well, i dunno… all your negative emotions get mixed up and you come to the conclusion that there is no hope at all for you; that no matter what you do, whatever you say, it just comes back to being…well, hopeless. only this time, things in my personal life get all f**ked up that my so-called creative mind is in full steam. call me pathetic, call me a loser, call me a whiner, call me a quitter, call me whatever you want… i'm just starting not to care anymore. some people have been asking me why the items on my "christmas wishlist" entry seemed a little different from last year; that i didn't wish for…someone. i guess feeling what feel today is part of the reason why. after reflecting, looking back, and summing up all that has happened in my personal life, i stop and ask myself the question:
IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? (AND I MEAN REALLY?)
if the person you love wholeheartedly eventually would not give theirs, is your heart really worth giving someone else to?
if you're belief in fate that that two would be together someday starts to fade, is pining for someone worth giving up your potential successful future for?
is waiting for someone to realize what you feel for that person is true worth giving your time to?
even after losing time and again, is the "game" still worth playing?
is finding the person you love being with someone else worth seeing?
is hearing the person you love talk about someone else worth hearing?
is dreaming of that person only to wake up with the sad truth that you're not meant to be worth having a good night's sleep for?
is being taken for granted after you have done everything for the person you love worth doing sacrifices for?
are praises and litanies about that person you love that fall on deaf ears even worth saying at all?
even after being defeated everytime, is the battle for her heart worth fighting for?
are the little smiles you're being given worth the river of tears you'll eventually be receiving?
if silence is given to you, is love worth giving that person to?
and even if you know that when you start to fall for someone new, things will end up the same–your life being shattered, are the pieces worth picking up again?
i used to say "yes" to all of them. but nowadays, i would say, "is it?" i'm starting to believe otherwise….
Markie's Journal 