“…’commitment’–it’s what makes you tick; the only problem is, you’re just not good at letting go…”

i decided to start my entry with that quote from the latest episode of “Lost” which can be seen on AXN every thursday at 9pm. why? well, simply because it hit close to home, if not directly. it was said by the father of one of the main characters of the program on his impending marriage. nervous about maybe not ending up as the husband or even the father he hopes to be, the doctor (jack, the main character) asked his father if he should still marry her fiance. and the father responds with the given quote. i guess that on all the relationships i’ve had, i used the same approach. once i commit to someone or something, i go all the way. like a racehorse with blinders at the side of the eyes i block out all distractions and keep a razor-sharp focus on what’s in front of me. i guess that in the same way, with the same blinders, i tend to lose sight of the bigger picture of things so that when the time comes, for one reason or another, that the thing or the relationship i committed to suddenly ends, i still go on, continuing to be blinded by that strong sense of commitment.

honestly, i believe all relationships should have that approach. although without the blinders. you may ask, what are those “blinders” i’m talking about? well, there is actually only one which can multiply into all sorts things or grow bigger, thus blocking your sense of, well, sanity for one the more you keep it close to you. and that is fear. fear of making the same mistakes, fear of failed relationships past, fear of not living up to the expectations of the one you love, fear of maybe not being the “one” for him/her, fear that he/she is not serious about you compared to what you have for him/her, or fear that he/she might actually meet someone better than you. any of these given fears will lead to the one fear we hate the most–fear of losing the one you love.

which brings me to another quote i came across. this time, the quote was mentioned in episode three of star wars (which i watched on dvd last week). i’m not sure if this is the exact wording used but i’ll try to get into the main message of it. who said it? well, it’s the all-wise and powerful yoda and it goes,

“…train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose…”

…or something to that effect. in any case, it teaches us to live life to the fullest. that life goes on. that there may be something better that awaits us. that we too, like the relationships we have, will one day have our own end. but there is one thing that puzzles me though, and in no way do i mean any harm to jedi purists out there reading this, but how can a person of the jedi order block feelings of love (especially when it comes to relationships) and continue doing good when in doing good itself, some sort or degree of love is involved? you may say the same thing about priests or the religious, but that’s a whole different ballgame.

in any case, who am i or where is my place to question such things? i’m only human and last i heard, humans aren’t perfect to say the least. all i know is that we can all learn from both the quotes i’ve mentioned. no matter how we look at it, no matter how we think of it, or how we feel about it, at the end of the day, it’s our perception about life and love that’s important. love is the most mysterious of all mysteries and at times, there is no right or wrong when decisions are made in the name of love. for me, i have had no regrets doing what i have done, especially in the last few months. the decisions i made have given me maybe a step or two closer to finding out the bigger picture destined for me. but as of now, i still can’t seem to figure out what it is, or how will it pan out.

i guess only one question remains my friends sometimes ask me that i also need to ask myself: based on the relationships i’ve had and the attempts i have also made to have one, do i really have a hard time letting go? for now, the only answer i could give is in a form of another quote which i have mentioned before: “when you tell someone that you love him/her with all your heart and soul, never leave some for yourself, otherwise it’s not worth saying it at all.”