being a friday, unfortunately, the van we rented is banned on manila streets due to number coding system in effect. although there is an open window for all vehicles until 3pm, we were sure not to make it. we then decided to stop over at tagaytay to eat and kill time until around 5:30pm where the trip back would take an hour and a half at the most, just in time for the number coding to be lifted. it was a hot and humid day, and a view of taal volcano and taal lake together with the cool breeze of tagaytay would be a welcome relief. upon arriving there, we ate at carlo’s pizza and played a board game one of my agents brought along. it was a trivia game, which most of us cannot or had a hard time answering. the place was beside starbucks and memories of easter sunday soon came back. i remembered donna telling me that we would be back there someday, but with the way things are going, it might not happen anymore. if that would be the case, i’ll be making the trip alone someday, perhaps finding what i lost or knowing what went wrong. but that would be a different time because for now, i’m with my team, and they matter right there and then.

after it seemed like minutes only due to playing that difficult game, we were finally on our way home. we made our final stop in a collette’s to buy some things for our folks back home. nearing the end of my journey (i requested to get off at bicutan exit since the van will go back to the office), “love notes” came on the radio and i caught a good part of it. it has been years since i listened to that program, and the story that night was good. but one line that the host said really caught my attention. it was during his “advice giving” portion that he said, “the only way to stop hurting, is to stop wanting.” i didn’t understand it at first, thinking how wanting something would hurt someone. i slowly realized that the more you wanted something to happen, and it doesn’t, the more it hurts you. at least that’s how i think of it. that saying still sticks to my mind until now, maybe still figuring out what it really means. i parted ways with my team and got home at around 7:30pm. i recounted what has happened during the last 48 hours as i lay in bed, thinking of the many things that could have not happened had we had that accident on the way to the beach. i could then honestly say that the team building we had was a worthwhile experience, something that i would never forget. and it’ll be something that will happen again before the year ends.

nothing much happened the next day as i woke up, only the thought that it’ll be the start of another work week that night remained on my mind. still not having fully rested from the team building, i went about my usual chores and tried to get as much sleep as i can. one of my teammates at the basketball league that i am in turned up and asking if i’ll be playing in the championship game which was moved to sunday afternoon. i again made up an excuse not to play, but the real reason was, well, donna won’t be watching. the only thing that got me excited that day was looking forward to bringing my digicam to the office to upload the pictures over the net using an online album and sharing it with my team. i did just that after a few tasks that i needed to do upon arriving at the office, and my team was very excited to see the pictures. we were all laughing and recounting events that had happened while viewing the pictures. all of us agreed that it was fun amidst the near accident we had, amidst the rush of preparing, the changes of venue we had, and the shortage of budget. everyone agreed to have one more team building session some time in september.

as i was on my way home after my shift, i realized that it was now one full week since donna and i last heard from each other. with the copy of the cd she asked me to burn playing in the background, i remembered in vivid detail the exchange of messages we had on that saturday afternoon. my thoughts then shifted to the game at hand that afternoon. i decided to sleep that afternoon to rest up since i haven’t really rested that well from our trip to the beach. i went straight to bed upon arriving home. the next thing i knew, i’m being shaken by my brother, who told me that my teammate was downstairs waiting for me to get ready for the game. admiring the effort and desire that the team needs me, i got dressed–reluctantly. i really wasn’t in the mood, nor inspired to play. even if it is a champioship game, i cannot even psyche myself up to soak the excitement and hype of the game. there was a sizable crowd on hand because we were up against the team that won the championship for the last two years, so the fans in attendance are expecting a three-peat. as the pre-game warm-ups and shootarounds got underway, i just sat on the bench, trying my hardest to get into game mode. i looked around the court, my teammates doing practice shots, and the other team doing their practice shots as well. i then slumped my head into my arms, shutting out everything from my sight and plunging into darkness. i thought of everything donna said to me. her promises, the times she said that we would go out, that she would watch the game, that she and i would go back to tagaytay. i tried building up frustration instead of inspiration so that i could have something to release into the game. i replayed those thoughts over and over again. i felt the frustration building up inside me as game time grew near. i started taking practice shots of my own a minute before the game started. i was ready.

our team was down by 12 points early into the game. we had a height disadvantage since the other team has three players over 5’11”. instead, we tried to use speed. their championship experience was showing during the course of the game. but our team was hungry. being undefeated at the eliminations showed that we want that championship. we crawled back and made it into a contest. not to brag, but i thought i played tremendously well. that, of course with the help of frustration over the personal events that had happened to me. i was aggressive, i was mad, i was fierce on the court. the images kept playing over and over in my head like a video player with the repeat button pressed. i would almost yell at the referee at every foul, shout every time i make a basket, trash-talked every time a player from the other team bumped into me. the game went into overtime when the last play i made in regulation was squandered–i was blocked as i made an attempt to the basket with three seconds left. the player who blocked my shot stared me down as the buzzer sounded. not to be outdone, i stared right back at him and before everyone knew it, we were already face to face, like wrestlers almost coming to blows. i walked slowly to our team’s bench, not letting go of my stare, smiled and told to myself, “you’re mine.”

the overtime period was a near massacre. our team came out more aggressive, determined to dethrone the champions. i got the better part of the other player, discreetly giving him little nudges and little chops that the referees wouldn’t see. in the end, we won, 84-71. as the final buzzer sounded and the crowd that rooted for us roared, i held my head down, hands on my hips and walked to the bench. i sat down, towel draped over my head and sighed. amidst the noise on the background, i heard donna’s voice in my head saying, “baby, hug me..” it was what she said when we were in tagaytay, her eyes looking at me sadly when she uttered those words. tears soon began flowing from my eyes. i was crying on the bench not because we won, but because the win was not complete without her being there. i wanted it so badly to share it with her, letting her know that she’s my inspiration, she makes me happy, she turned my life around, she’s the one i love. i quietly left the court, telling our coach that i still had work that night (which was the truth) and walked home, with tears still flowing. i went straight to my room as i got home, closed the door and wept even more. i skipped dinner, telling my mom that i wasn’t feeling well and i had to rest up for work later, and cried myself to sleep.

today was a slow day at work, my mind still disoriented and my eyes still puffy from last night. my agents thought that i didn’t get enough sleep. if the only knew. this weekend was a realization of sorts for me. realizing how i could’ve not made it to the beach, realizing how i value and love every single agent on my team, no matter how they sucked during the first few months of the year, realizing how much a certain place means to me, realizing how a woman can inspire me, and how she can break me as well. looks like it’s gonna be a long week ahead, not knowing what lies ahead. as i end this two-part entry, i’m slowly realizing that if that accident had taken place, maybe it’s not such a bad way to go after all….