it’s three weeks before my birthday and things couldn’t be any better than they were before. my basketball team is undefeated in the summer league tournament and we’re playing in the finals this saturday, episode three is coming up and i have already reserved tickets, the team i’m handling at work is finally getting its groove and is off to a great start (metrics-wise) this month, and i finally upgraded my PC at home. oh, did i mention that donna and i had an argument? such a great way to cap a week.

it has been over a month since she and i went out and i was constantly asking her if we could have coffee, lunch, or dinner during my days off and she would reply with an “i’m-not-sure,” or “let’s-see,” or “i’m-not-in-the-mood-to-go-out,” or “i-have-no-plans-of-going-out-today” statements. how things were different a month and a half ago when her responses were, “now? sure!” or “let’s meet up after your shift,” or “tomorrow? why not before you go to work later tonight?” half of the time, she would be the one to invite me to go out. as i was saying, every week, every God-given week, i tried to ask her out to no avail. ironically, every time we would talk over the phone, she would talk about how she went out with her friends, how she visited a friend at his home just to hang out, or how some of her other friends just dropped by and asked her to join them and she would in an instant, or how another friend would just text her and ask her to meet up and she would. at first i didn’t mind. i thought to myself, “well, she does have a lot of friends” but as the number of failed attempts increased, i started to ponder. “is she still that uneasy to go out with me after we had that ‘talk?'” but amidst that thought, i kept the faith, hoping that someday, somehow, i would have one afternoon or an evening spent with her.

things came to a head just this saturday. a day before, i just bought my new PC at Festival Mall in Alabang. as i was setting it up with a help of a friend, donna called and mentioned how she went to the same place where i was that afternoon. i was actually thinking of texting her that time, telling her where i was and maybe we could meet up. i almost got mad at myself learning that she was there, alone just wandering about when i could’ve been with her, even for a short while! she then told me that her feet and legs were hurting, most likely tired from walking around for a couple of hours. we talked again on saturday, sometime after lunch and i told her that i had another basketball game coming up that afternoon and asked her to watch. she said, “my feet are still aching. if there’s a wheelchair there, i would watch,” and added that she had no plans of going out that day. of course, the wheelchair thing was a joke but i got the picture. so we ended our conversation a few minutes before the game and i got ready. i texted her, saying that i’m dedicating the game to her and hope that we win. on the way, i was thinking about how she told me that she would watch my games together with my sister. that was almost a month before the tournament started when i told her i was joining. and that after the first two games, she said that it’s not a short tournament and that there are still games left for her to watch. now being the last game, with a sure slot at the finals, she still isn’t there. i suddenly felt uneasy and felt that i don’t want to play or didn’t have the drive to play anymore. surprisingly, our opponent that afternoon didn’t show up, therefore handing the victory to our team by default and securing our place in the finals next week. i felt kinda relieved that i didn’t get to play that day. before heading home, i told my teammates that i won’t be able to play in the finals. i just made up a reason but the reality is, for sure donna wouldn’t be there to watch and i wouldn’t be able to play at the level i would want to be, and i thought i best to not play at all rather than to play unfocused and distracted. upon arriving home, i was greeted by a message from donna on my cellphone that she went out and visited someone. i was shocked and surprised by the message, thinking all the while that her feet were hurting, and that she didn’t have any plans of going out that day. all the frustrations of asking her out in vain piled up that very moment, together with her stories of going out with some of her other friends on days “that she’s not in the mood to go out.”

disapponted and reeling from that message, i replied: “just got home and read your message. i thought your feet are still hurting for you to go out? i guess you’re still not comfortable going out with me because you always don’t say yes whenever i ask you out. it’s ok, i understand. i just hope you would be honest enough to say ‘no’ and not tell me ‘i’m not sure’ or ‘i can’t go out’ and then telling me stories of how you went out with your other friends. again, as i’ve said, it’s ok. by the way, we won again, like it matters to you. i told my teammates that i wouldn’t be playing in the finals next week. i made up a reason, but the truth is, i know you wouldn’t be able to watch, so i’m not that excited to play anymore, even though it’s my first time to play in a championship game. anyways, take care. hope you’re feet doesn’t hurt you all the more and don’t forget to eat your dinner. i miss you, i really do.”

she then replied a few minutes later, saying that she was on her way to a hospital with some friends to visit another friend who was confined (i assumed that was the case). she added that she was the one driving and that her feet were still hurting, and that the good thing was the car was an automatic. i replied back saying to drive safely and take care. still disappointed, i tried to sleep it off, but with the weather being so humid, i just laid on my bed, eyes closed, but still thinking of what happened. i was half asleep when my cellphone beeped with another message from her, “we’re here. i didn’t like the content of your message. next time, don’t question my activities/errands. if you’re like that, then we better not talk.” i was even more shocked at that message. i never, in the time i have known her, questioned about what she did on the times she went out. i was still stunned at that message, but i was able to reply with, “i’m not questioning or objecting to your activities/errands. i never did. honestly, ever. you know me. i’m sorry if it came out that way.”

after sending that message, i crashed back into bed, wondering what the hell was going on. i thought to myself that maybe she’s just too tired and with feet aching too much, replied with what she said. i sent a follow-up message saying, “what i’m trying to say is that why can’t you say yes whenever i ask you out? i mean i tried many times to do so, but you say that you’re not always available, or you’re not sure. before, you didn’t hesitate to say yes to coffee at starbucks or go wherever i’d invite you to. there were even times that you would ask me out. you know what, i was even wondering when you would drop by here at home just to hang out whenever i don’t have work like what you do with your other friends. but again, as i’ve said, it’s ok. i understand. you don’t need to get mad at me because i never, ever questioned you on the times you went out. you’re free to go wherever you want or need to go. it’s just that i really miss being with you and spending time with you. that’s it, that’s really it. if you’re gonna get mad at me because i miss being with you, then i can’t do anything about that. that’s the truth. it may be corny, but that’s it.”

she hasn’t replied, or called me up after that. i didn’t even go to work that night. i just went out, drove around thinking what will happen over the next few weeks. i found my way to antipolo where i spent most of my time there, sitting in the car, a can of beer in hand. i just reminisced the times donna and i spent together, and how happy i was during those days. i stopped by two churches and heard to masses before going home like i just came from work. being mother’s day, i even bought pancit for my mom. emotionally and physically tired, i crashed into bed after sharing a meal with the family. as i’ve said, things couldn’t be more better than they are right now. things are going fine. no, they’re great…just great…