it’s 6:15pm and i’m supposed to be in dreamland because in a couple of hours i’m supposed to wake up and face another long day at work. but i’ve been lying in bed, awake for the past 5 or 6 hours with a lot of things running through my mind and a very heavy and sad heart.

i decided not to continue the events that happened to the story of me and donna because it’s very obvious where it will lead. my fragile, battered, delicate, shattered piece of a heart has broken again. just as when i thought everything would brighten up for me after a tumultuous year of emotional struggle, reality bites me back harder and more painful than ever before. and yet after learning from the mistakes of the past, still things couldn’t go right. but i guess this time, i may have had a share in the fault. i let myself fall for someone who isn’t capable of being in a relationship. maybe things happened way too fast, and i just got caught in the emotional high that i haven’t felt as far as my college days with my ex. maybe i was overly eager to put the past behind me and start over. maybe i bit off more than i could chew. but with all that, i still believe that everything happened for a reason. what if at that point in time, we were destined to meet? what if at that point in time, fate somehow brought us together? i just couldn’t help but think of the possibilities of her and i being together. what if this “silence” that we have between us right now is just an uphill test of my patience? and that somewhere down the line, we’ll end up in each other’s arms? but what if the ghosts of patience’s past is coming back to haunt me? or maybe it has? why would she even allow herself to be kissed knowing that she still has a relationship? is she missing her boyfriend so much that she couldn’t help herself somehow go with the flow of what we had at that particular point in time? why did she change even though she promised that she wouldn’t? and now, why am i so caught up in this thing that it hurts, it really hurts, whenever she doesn’t talk to me? the same goes when we do talk, but she doesn’t say when she can go out with me again unlike before when we used to go out almost everyday?

i can only think of one answer. it may sound cheesy, or obvious, or whatever you want to call it, i don’t care. it’s because i have really fallen in love with her. all of those times we spent together is more than enough to make me realize that this woman is worth loving. and that she made me feel happy again. i have said before that i can only be content at what i have in life, but the only time i can say that i can be truly happy is when i am with someone that makes me feel needed, wanted, and loved. and those few weeks spent with donna made me feel very happy. some of you might think, well, what about lisa? well for me, lisa will remain an unfinished chapter because of so many unanswered questions, but i have moved forward. take note, i said moved forward, and not moved on. i can only move on when that chapter has been closed. but who is to say that i can’t fall in love again after such? that’s why i said moved forward. whether the answers may come or not, it’s not up to me, it’s up to her. i tried to pick up the pieces, tried to glue them back together and i was successful. donna made me happy again. she really did. even with her situation, she managed to make me fall head over heels in love with her. and as i’ve said before, the fault may have been mine when i did. but again, as the popluar song goes, love moves in mysterious ways. but i’m right back where i started. alone, struggling, longing, waiting for her to give me a little taste of that happiness again, wondering what might have been if she only had been single at the time we met.

all i know is that i do love her. i really do. she came at a time when i really needed someone, and i didn’t realize it at first, but as time went on, my eyes and my heart opened up to her and let her in. her personality makes me alive, her smile makes my problems at work go away, talking to her makes time stand still, and just being with her makes me….happy. that’s how donna is to me. that’s how she means to me. that’s how everything in my life, in my heart is at the moment. maybe this is another test of my patience. and painful it may seem, i’ll just have to live with it. it’s a risk i’m willing to take, and a gamble i’m willing to bet my heart on. i also believe that when you love someone with all your heart, do not leave some for yourself because if you do, it’s not worth saying it at all. so bring on the pain, bring on the hurt, bring all the adversity. i’m used to feeling this way, only that each time i experience it anew, it’s bigger, harder, and more painful than before. but if at the end, it’s going to be donna and me in a loving relationship, then i’m willing to give my life for it. i’m willing to go through hell. it’s not like i haven’t tasted it before.

and if i have to go through days, weeks, or months, or even years of personal and emotional hurt, only to have one second of a relationship with her, one second of her smile, one second of her touch, and one second of her sweetest kiss before my life is taken away from me, i would. i guess every person who loves someone would do the same. after all, a happy ending is what we’re all looking for in life. whatever the cost.