frankly, i don’t even know how to start this entry. i’ve been so….”scattered” for most of the week (that’s the closest term i could think of), and can’t even comprehend or get a grip on what’s happening around me. it’s been more than a week since lisa made her presence felt, and part of the reason why i’m this way may have something to do with that. not that i’m blaming her, i’m really not, and i’m setting the record straight. it’s just the fact that everything happens for one reason or another. there may be counter-reactions and counter-counter-reactions (if ever there was such a word). i reacted the way i did, as mentioned on my last entry, and probably more through sms. hours after i posted that entry she sent me a message asking me why am i dazed and confused and followed it up with “if that was the case then some things are better left untouched.” i was taking my well-earned sleep so i was able to read the message late. naturally, an impulse came on and i replied with things that i thought i deserved from her. why didn’t she talked to me like she said she would? why didn’t she invite me to her wedding like she also said? and what is the real reason behind her first message she sent me after almost a year? to just “check up on me?” thinking that, “oh well, it’s been almost a year after i got married, and i guess he’s moved on, and i guess it’s ok for me to ease back into his life and pretend that everything is handy-dandy, oh, and maybe he forgot all of the things i promised him?” *sigh* and i don’t blame her for thinking that way. many things did happen to me in that span of time both emotionally and psychologically. i have moved forward. but realizing the way i reacted towards her, maybe i really haven’t gotten over her. maybe i haven’t moved on. if i did, i would’ve reacted differently. i could’ve just ignored her message and pretend like she never texted me and went on with my day. but i didn’t. the next day after i replied to her latest message, things got worse. i was about to end my day at work, when a YM message appeared on my window with a message from her. she logged off after that, but i still replied. my message was too long for a single reply so i sent multiple messages, the next one linking to the first. i managed to save the transcript and it is as follows:

“lisa: i was surprised at the way you reacted, i dunno if i deserved it or not. regardless of whether i did or did not, your reaction, replies and posts (which are very clear and hurtful at times i might add) is enough reason for me not to talk to you anymore. that’s what you’ve been waiting for…i hope that this means closure for you as well. we were good friends and whether you think i threw it back at you, for me, you were the one who not only threw it back but rubbed it in so to speak. thank you for being the person that you were to me when i was in the phils.

markie: i know the way i reacted throught text. and honestly, i never meant to hurt you. i never did. it was a defense mechanism on my part because of how the way things ended between us then. i held on to what you said about us talking before you got married, me being invited to your wedding, even way back to waiting for your response when i first proposed to be your boyfriend. i never pressured you into fulfilling all those things because you made it very clear for me not to do so, and i trusted in the fact that it’ll come in time. but it never did. yes, we were good friends, and i was hoping that was enough for you to spend time with me to talk, and to at least start a closure process for me, which will ultimately lead to coming full circle seeing you get married.

markie: now, i don’t really know if there’ll be some sort of closure or not. you meant the world to me once, and quite frankly, in some shape or form, you still do. how things ended just left a big void inside me that will be hard to fill. i’m not in any way mad or disgruntled at you for what happened. i just didn’t expect things between us to end up how it did. regardless of everything that has happened, i am still very much happy for you. you know me, i always prioritize the people i love first more than myself. only during that time, i was thinking of myself for once by wanting to talk to you and see you say “i do.” you may believe me or not, but that’s the truth. i may not know and understand the reason for everything that has happened, but nonetheless, you’ll always be a part of me.

markie: i carry you everyday in my thoughts and in my heart, because our time together reminds me how things could’ve been better, have i told what i felt for you sooner. in an anecdote to myself, you’ll be regarded as “the girl who got away.” do take care of yourself always.”

did i do something wrong? was i that rude in replying, telling her to explain why she didn’t talk to me before her marraige and why she didn’t invite me at all? i was only looking to close that chapter in my life, to properly say to myself, “she’s gone.” as i’ve said before, i would not dare interfere at her wedding. i just wanted to see her officially tie the knot and that’s it. for all i know, we could still be friends after that. i know i’ll be getting some heat from some, if not all who are reading this, and frankly, you can say all that you want to say. nothing will change what happened. curse me to hell if you want. i’m already torn up, beat up, whiplashed, and numb enough to fend off any more harsh words that would go my way. i have told some friends about it and they’re honest enough to say that they couldn’t side with me on this one. it’s ok. i’m not looking for somone to take sides with whoever. i’m just airing out what i feel and what i believe in. there’s a saying that goes, “if you believe and fight for something that you know in your heart is right, you are regardless if everyone else thinks otherwise.” i guess she’s made her decision based on what she last said. again, i don’t blame her. i just hope she understands how i feel. i’m treading on rough waters, i know. it’s like, me against the world. maybe, just maybe, things will be a lot better off if i’m dead and buried.

finally, after weeks of hibernation, i’m able to write new entries again. and what better way to start off a new entry than a weird thing that happened to me yesterday morning. it was around 9:45AM, and i was awakened by the message alert tone of my cell. i thought, “who would send me a message this early?” still half-asleep, i reached for my cell and opened the message. lo and behold, it was a YM SMS message from none other than lisa asking me, “u there?” all traces of drowsiness and sleep vanished in a way i couldn’t have imagined. i stared at the screen of my cell for maybe a full two minutes, thinking if i should reply or not. i had promised myself that, with the way things ended between lisa and me, that i wouldn’t initiate any kind of communication until God knows when. thousands of thoughts ran through my mind as i contemplated on replying back or not. “why did she sent me a message?” “is this a way of her saying or making up for all the promises she made?” the questions went on and on inside my head, until i finally hit the reply button and started typing away. “uh, yeah… wats up?” i said, not really certain on what else to ask. waiting for her response was like an eternity. finally, she replied with, “is dat really you?” adding more confusion to my already bewildered mind, i replied, “wat do you mean is dat rily me? yes, its me, quite surprised dat you sent me a msg.” suddenly, doubts raced across my mind, thinking if it was really her or just someone messing around using her YM ID. but it was still impossible, i thought. i admit, there were several times that i saw her go online, especially during the mornings when my shift is about to end. and i also admit that there were times that i opened a message box to send a message to her, but recalling what i promised myself, did not proceed and just closed the dialogue box. i still wondered, until came the reply with the punchline, “it is you! just checking you out yun lang po (that’s all). have a nice day!” i felt like one of those Japanese anime cartoons falling flat on the ground after a certain punchline or practical joke has been delivered at my expense. my mind suddenly went blank. and the first thoughts that came to my mind after minutes of gathering my wits was “what the hell…? what was that all about?” i really thought there was some kind of real purpose or meaning why she sent me a message. pardon me if i’m jumping to conclusions, but how would you feel if someone who left you hanging and haven’t talked to for almost two years, finally asking, “u there?” you would expect something, right? but noooo. after that episode, my day virtually went downhill. until now, i’m still kinda “in the dark” of all that’s happened in the last 24 hours. if this is a way for her to try to bring some sense of closure between us, well, i dunno. i’m still trying to make sense of everything. i don’t even know how to end this entry. but i guess one saying that comes to mind is, “some things aren’t meant to be explained.” but again, “everything has a reason for happening.”