looks like i’ll be having new entries every week, considering the fact that i have extra time on my hands every wednesday while waiting for the number coding rule to be temporarily lifted before i go home. nothing much happened during the past week, although i got to watch ocean’s twelve with my sister last saturday night, and it was a good sequel for me. one of the better sequels i’ve seen in a while. the comedy was well put and in the right scenes. but i’m thinking twice on buying it on dvd since i don’t see anything worth watching it all over again–well, maybe not for the fourth or fifth time–unlike all the dvds that i bought, which have that certain kind of appeal to be watched over and over again. weekend ended with a birthday of my cousin and looks like this weekend will be no different, except that the birthday will be for my sister. guess another round of alcohol will be served again. work week started out ok, still the same old routine, although earlier today (or last night) during my shift, a chat with an old friend made my day a little bit more interesting. interesting in a sense that it made me think about–hold your horses–death and the beyond. it just popped into my mind so i asked my friend what would she do if she learned that i was dead or have died no matter what caused it. it took a while for her to answer and when she finally did, she said that she would be “drowning in tears.” i sort of laughed at first and before i even came to asking her why, she followed it up with “imagine losing someone who is close to me” and “that’s how i care about you.” i stopped short of replying and thought to myself if she was telling the truth. i didn’t bother to ask her that because she immediately asked me why i asked that. with the thought just popped out of nowhere, i answered that i was just thinking aloud. while pondering on the subject, i again thought to myself that i don’t think that there’s nothing more i have left to experience here on earth–well, except getting married and having a married life, but with the way things are going, i don’t think i’ll be heading that way–so meaning that i’m ready to go where everyone else is gonna go. which then led me to wonder how would everyone else feel if i were to die or be dead? i know it’s a morbid subject to talk about, but since all of us will be headed in that direction, i just thought on how prepared we are. i for one am psychologically and mentally prepared. i might not have enough time to create farewell letters or last will and testament(s) but at least deep inside, i know i’m ready to go when the big guy upstairs or downstairs decides to get me off this life. although i would love to have an audience of close people with me before i go, i pretty much have said everything i wanted or needed to say to the persons necessary before the inevitable. makes me also think back to what has happened to me during the last 28 years of my life. i have given and received, smiled and frowned, laughed and cried, listened and be heard, overjoyed and angered, craved and satisfied, worked and played, been criticized and criticized of my own, yearned and achieved, dreamt and lived the dream, stood out and blended in, won and be defeated, love and have been loved. speaking of love, another person i chatted last night asked me how my lovelife was. like i told the first friend who i chatted with, imagine a brand new vase. then it was dropped and broken into pieces. of course, you would try to put it back together again with glue or some sort to make it whole again. after some time, it was dropped again, but this time, new shards of the vase appeared when it was dropped the second time. and then put it back again. and then dropped and even more shards were added. and again, tried to put it back. and dropped again, more shards were added. glued back together, and dropped again with more shards. and now you attempt to put it back together with anything and everything you have. that is how my heart is today. in the midst of putting it back together when it was dropped again last year. with the addition of new shards, putting it back together will definitely take a long time, or if it were to be pieced together again, it wouldn’t be the same and the wrong kind of touch would shatter it all over again, and may not be pieced together at all. i really don’t know if i’m halfway in piecing together the shards of my heart or how i’m piecing it back. all i know is that it wouldn’t be the same. where does death appear in all this? honestly, i really don’t know. it just popped into my mind. i guess if the big guy upstairs knows (and i think he definitely does) what i have been through, he might just call me and ask me to find comfort in his kingdom. as i end this entry, i thought of another saying about loneliness which i also told my friend earlier tonight, “i choose to love you in silence, for in silence i find no rejection. i choose to love you in my loneliness, for in my loneliness no one holds you but me.” hope all of you enjoy the rest of the week, and don’t worry, i’ll be back with a new entry next week.