such a perfect time to write this entry. i have all my tasks done before i go on leave, my agents have all gone home early, thanks to low call volume, and no pressure whatsover from the higher-ups who aren’t here as well. anyway, before i continue with my next top 5, allow me also to integrate my own top 5 songs that i listened to this year. i’m a music person and listening to music is the number one therapy i use to de-stress myself or to further indulge in the feeling i have at that moment. so, without further delay, here are my:

top 5 negative/low/sad moments that i had in 2004 (together with the top 5 songs that i listened to)

5. the birthday that was – i guess you all remember the entry that shook the foundation(s) of relationships/friendships i have with the people i invited over to my birthday party. but now that everything has been forgiven and forgotten, there’s no reason to dwell on it more and i realized that doing that entry was something that i shouldn’t have done, but will remain as one sore moment that i wish i could undo.
song – “All I Want” by Reef – “…i was all alone, like a father with no son, you were like a dream, woken up just as begun, i was left alone, with the promise that you made…” this is just one of five songs that would describe how my personal life was this year. although this song is quite unknown, it’s soothing melody and lyrics help potray a feeling of loss and waiting for something that wouldn’t come.

4. i reluctantly left PeopleSupport for a better opportunity – i was literally in tears when my former boss told me that it’s either i stay with the company going back to an agent/CSR position or leave. i spent two years and 8 months with PS and it was the first call center job i had. i really didn’t want to leave, and i was begging my boss to reconsider his decision. i guess office politics got involved in some way and even my former agents’ pleas to reconsider were not good enough. it was two weeks before i left when i got that news and immediately started to look for another job. fortunately, TT came along and offered me a chance to prove myself. but the friendships i’ve built, the closeness i had with my former agents, the working atmosphere that is second to none, made me feel heavy inside as i reported for the last time. words of encouragement from former teammates, mentors, supervisors and friends tried to ease the burden i was carrying after i sent the final email. all i can say is that it was a sad day carrying all my things as i went home that day.
song – “The Reason” by Hoobastank – “…i found a reason to show a side of me you didn’t know, a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you…” i guess this song is right for what happened at number four. i was able to prove myself and had success in where i am now. recognized for outstanding team performance, promoted agents to better positions within the company, and one of the top team leaders. but at what price? health deterioration, declining drive to go on due to a huge workload everyday, and less time for family and friends. being recognized is not enough to counter the growing dissatisfaction i have with work. the working atmosphere is really stiff and “stress” is a word synonymous to “team leader.”

3. i lost whatever chance of a relationship i could have had with jenny – you’ve read how i felt about her, she was my number two positive things that happened to me during the year, and is about the only chance i got then to start over with the would-be loss of the year. i was that close to feeling more than contented each time i talked to her or received messages from her. when we first went out, it’s like chemistry. no awkward feelings, its just like we’ve been friends for a long time. everything clicked. but i guess fate reared its ugly head and with like a snap of the fingers, we were not meant to be. now, we rarely even talk, much less send messages to each other. the last time i sent her a message was greeting her a merry christmas. she replied with, “same to you!” which goes to show how far apart we’ve become. as the old cliche goes, “it was too good to be true.”
song – “Unwell” by Matchbox Twenty – “…i’m not crazy, i’m just a little impaired, i know right now you don’t care, but soon enough you’re gonna think of me, and how i used to be…” it was to be the song of the year for me since i have been feeling “unwell” for most of the year, but i kinda picked it up when the song was losing its popularity. plus, it didn’t describe how “unwell” was, but just the same, the sadness and melancholy still remains…

2. i lost my first journal and all the entries that are in it – all my emotions that were bottled up inside, including those for lisa and jenny, my last email when i left PS, the chance encounter i had with an ex-crush, all the anger released, tears made into words–all gone. just when i thought i could keep something i could go back and re-live, it disappeared, and for what? so that the site can make money and so-called “continue operating?” most of the entries there i considered were masterpieces. pure emotion transcribed. until now, i’m still speechless whenever i remember going to log on that fateful day to find that the site was inaccessible without a “recovery fee.” damn…it’s all i could say…
song – “My Immortal” by Evanescence – “…i tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone; but though you’re still with me, i’ve been alone all along…” the band version unleashed more emotion than the original release, and with these lyrics, it’s hard to forget or even overlook such a song of its nature. it also describes and compliments what i feel with the entry and song at number one, which is:

1. i was never invited/i never witnessed lisa’s wedding which could have closed that chapter of my life – like a love story with an unhappy ending, this came about a week before my birthday. i endured a year of agony trying to overcome a lost cause but never losing hope that one day, things could’ve, might’ve turned for the better and we will end up being together. lisa was the one person who made me happy. each and every time we are together, even with me just thinking about her, all that we’ve been through, ruined by a test of loyalty to myself and to her. i chose to put off proposing for her to be my girlfriend because i was also in love with someone else at that time. i thought i gave myself a chance to sort out things. better to love one person whole-heartedly than to jump into a relationship with someone else at the back of my mind. and yet after sorting things out, and finally realizing that lisa is the one, i was too late. i was hoping to be at the wedding ceremony for me to witness the finality that we couldn’t be together anymore, to have that chance to close the book and start over properly. i wasn’t even pleading for her to invite me, i was just content on knowing when the wedding date was so that i could take a peek and leave quietly after the priest finaly seals the bond of marriage, and that would’ve been enough. but each and everyday when i go to work, i pass by the church where they were married, and it still pains me to think why i wasn’t there. in a sense, there is no closure yet for me, unless maybe she talks to me personally and explains everything, or whatever. i just don’t know how i’m gonna get through this. i was resigned to the fact that we cannot be together, it’s just that i had to see with my own eyes. i had to hear the words. for someone whose heart was already broken before it was completely shattered, it’s something simple to have asked for.
song – “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down – the entire lyrics of the song says it all about how i feel about number one. allow me to post the entirety of the lyrics:

“A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that i saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And i don’t think i can look at this the same
But all these miles that seperate
Disappear now when i’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin’
As the people leave their way to say hello
I’ve heard this life was overrated
But i hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything i know,and anywhere i go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it’s all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me”

and that puts a close to my turbulent year. happy new year everyone. be back with a new entry on january. have a safe new year’s celebration.